Uncovering a Georgian chocolate kitchen

Charlotte Barker became very skilled at spotting the word 'chocolate'

Charlotte Barker became very skilled at spotting the word ‘chocolate’

Charlotte Barker tells me how her research led to the discovery of a hidden Georgian chocolate kitchen at Hampton Court Palace.

A few weeks ago, I went to a storytelling workshop at the Tower of London. At the end of the day, we all had to tell a story relating to our work. Charlotte Barker, a curatorial assistant at the Historic Royal Palaces, stood up and told an extraordinary tale of how her research had uncovered a chocolate kitchen hidden away in the depths of Hampton Court Palace. Until recently, it had been disguised as a flower-arranging cupboard.

A visit to Hampton Court Palace

Keen to know more, last week I took the train to Hampton Court to meet Charlotte.

Hampton Court Palace: worth a visit

Hampton Court Palace: worth a visit

If you haven’t been to Hampton Court, you really should. Set by the Thames a half hour train journey from Waterloo, it’s a glorious mix of Tudor and Baroque palaces, surrounded by spectacular gardens. The Tudor part includes Henry VIII’s jaw-dropping Great Hall, chapel and apartments, while the Baroque side features a vast sweep of apartments originally commissioned by King William III and Queen Mary II.

On the day of my visit, it had been raining hard and the moat was flooded, the lawn underneath transformed into temporary pondweed. As Charlotte and I walked across the Tudor Clock Court towards the Baroque apartments, we came across a group of schoolboys looking for Henry III. “He’s usually around here somewhere,” Charlotte assured them. “Have a look up in the Great Hall.” The boys sped off on the trail of the monarch, a costumed actor supplied by Past Pleasures, the company that ran our storytelling workshop.

Fountain Court: spice, confectionery, chocolate

Fountain Court, home to the royal spicery, confectionery and chocolate rooms

Fountain Court, home to the royal spicery, confectionery and chocolate rooms

From a Tudor passageway, we emerged into Fountain Court, an internal courtyard created for William and Mary. “From her state apartments opposite, Queen Mary would have been able to watch servants in their blue uniforms dash from room to room here collecting spices and confectionery,” Charlotte explained.

“The main kitchens were at a distance from the living quarters to cut down the risk of fire. But in this series of rooms, they would have kept a huge stock of spices such as nutmeg, cardamom and cloves, and the cooks created elaborate confectionery for royal banquets.”

And thanks to Charlotte’s research, led by curator Polly Putnam, we now know that there were also two rooms dedicated to chocolate underneath these elegant stone archways: a kitchen and a preparation room.

Preparing the king’s hot chocolate

In Georgian times, chocolate was an exotic luxury. George I had his own personal chocolatier, Thomas Tosier, who was in charge of preparing the royal cup of hot chocolate for the king’s breakfast each day. This involved roasting the cocoa beans, then mixing them with spices such as chilli, aniseed and allspice, to create a rich, spicy concoction.

“Tosier was in a very privileged position,” said Charlotte, “because he had the king’s ear for a few minutes each day.”

Chocolate cakes and sugar loafs: key ingredients for the king's hot chocolate

Chocolate cakes and sugar loafs: key ingredients for the king’s hot chocolate

Chocolate’s popularity was not limited to royal households. Although coffee and tea reigned supreme, chocolate houses also sprang up around London, catering to a clientele that could afford this luxurious new drink. Tosier owned The Chocolate House in Blackheath, run by his wife, Grace. A portrait of Mrs Tosier at Hampton Court shows quite a character, with a large-brimmed hat, fashionable ringlets and a posy of flowers at her bosom.

Hot chocolate remained a favourite with George I and George II, but by Victorian times, the monarchy was no longer staying at Hampton Court. So the rooms dedicated to chocolate making were given over to grace and favour residents.

Full immersion in dusty tomes

By the 21st century, there were rumours that a chocolate kitchen had once existed at Hampton Court, but no one knew where it was. Charlotte was given the task of sifting through the palace’s files to find some clues. When this drew a blank, she headed off to the National Archives at Kew to immerse herself in dusty, leather-bound tomes.

The document that proved the location of the  chocolate kitchen

“8th door on ye right… chocolate room”

“It involved some extremely long days,” she said. “Most of the archives are records of royal warrants, so they weren’t relevant at all. But eventually I found an inventory, which was an unusual document. It was written in 1710, but gave a record of the rooms in the palace after the death of William III in 1702. By then, I’d become very skilled at spotting the word ‘chocolate’, and saw that the inventory described a list of rooms around Fountain Court, including a ‘chocolate room’.”

“When I saw that phrase, I felt a rush of excitement mixed with a profound feeling of relief that we had found the missing piece of evidence,” she said.

Secrets behind the oasis

Charlotte rushed back to Hampton Court to find out which door was the “8th door on ye right” mentioned in the inventory – and discovered it was a small room packed to the rafters with flower-arranging equipment. “The king’s chocolate kitchen was being used as a storage room for the palace’s annual Florimania show,” said Charlotte. “It was full of vases and oasis. At first sight, there was no evidence at all that it had ever been a kitchen.”

The royal chocolate kitchen, with its fireplace and charcoal brazier

The royal chocolate kitchen, with its fireplace and charcoal brazier

Once cleared, the room revealed its secret history. On the back wall, there was a pulley system above the fireplace which would have been used to raise and lower a metal cylinder which would have rotated over the fire to roast the cocoa beans contained inside. A fold-down wooden table was a Georgian original, made for preparing chocolate rather than arranging flowers. And a brick structure in the corner, covered over with a wooden board, was a charcoal brazier formerly used to cook the king’s hot chocolate.

In February this year, the newly-discovered chocolate kitchen was opened to public display, alongside a chocolate preparation room, where the hot chocolate would have been decanted into porcelain cups surrounded by special pewter holders.

The chocolate preparation room with its display of elaborate porcelain and silverware

The chocolate preparation room with its display of elaborate porcelain and silverware

For Charlotte, all her hard work has paid off. She said: “I still feel I’m a lowly intern at the palace,  but to be involved in such a wonderful project – and have such a fantastic find – is something special. This is a great achievement, and something that I will always remember from my time at the palace.”

Tips for historical researchers

Charlotte has a few tips to pass on to anyone who’s undertaking painstaking archival research.

  • First and foremost, don’t get discouraged – the information is out there somewhere.
  • Don’t be afraid of taking the time to do proper archival research because you can find all sorts of fascinating snippets that provide extra information that you might not imagine finding.
  • Finally, you must find your motivation, otherwise it’s tough work. Keep reminding yourself what you are doing this for.

Ten things I learned at The Story 2014

You never know quite what will happen at The Story, except that it will illuminate distant areas of your brain with unpredictable copper sparks for some time to come. Here are a few of the things I learned from this year’s gathering of storytellers of all stripes – from film makers, writers and artists to illustrators and singers.

1. You have nothing to fear from a jelly hand grenade

Kyle Bean's 'Soft Guerrilla' materials for Cut magazine

Kyle Bean’s ‘Soft Guerrilla’ materials for Cut magazine

Artist / designer / illustrator Kyle Bean goes to painstaking lengths to create extraordinary images. When Cut magazine asked for pictures to illustrate a feature on guerrilla gardening, he came up with the feather knife and jelly grenade shown here, as well as toast knuckledusters and sticks of mini-milk dynamite.

2. The truth is over-rated

In the pursuit of a good story, you sometimes need to bend the truth, twist it or step neatly over it. “We have a really dodgy relationship with reality and are not really interested in it at all,” said Jane Pollard, talking about the documentary she and Iain Forsyth made about Nick Cave.

Kenyatta Cheese agrees. As he says: “It’s not the facts that are important. It’s the emotional truth.”

3. A story needs a ‘yay’ bit at the end

Not all stories end well, but Stella Duffy prefers it if they do. “I believe in a story having this ‘yay’ bit at the end,” she said. This was after she’d told us: “Two weeks ago I had eight hours of cancer surgery. I’m still a bit bloody and very bruised, but isn’t this a lovely frock?” She’s devoting her considerable wit and spirit to inspiring a series of Fun Palaces across the UK in October 2014.

4. Celery and pasta make good gore

Barnaby Smyth is a foley artist: one of those fascinating behind-the-scenes people who creates rustling leaves, rattling chains and footsteps for film and television. He asked us all to close our eyes as he recreated a ghostly story for us in sound. “For decapitation scenes,  I twist a head of celery mixed with boiled penne pasta,” he said. “But you can use tagliatelle too.”

5. Children have great instincts

In a Ministry of Stories project, 13 year old Teodor says you can mould an idea any way you want

In a Ministry of Stories project, 13 year old Teodor says you can mould an idea any way you want

Performance artist Bryony Kimmings worked with her nine year old niece, Taylor, to come up with Catherine Bennett, a paleontologist popstar who is the epitome of the anti-twerk, the un-Thicke of it. Schoolchildren suggested lyrics for CB’s song, The Future, including the brilliant line: “We need at least four more ways to eat potatoes.”

6. We find joy in unusual places

  • Bill Wasik gets his kicks from going viral, and was responsible for gathering a 200-strong flash mob in Macy’s carpet department who claimed to be commune members looking for a ‘love rug’.
  • Tony Ageh loves lists. “A proper list is democratic, neutral, useful and empowering,” he told us.
  • Philip Larkin is partial to procrastination and Vines. Here’s the impromptu Vine made during his talk, part of his ‘What happens if I press this button?’ series.
Lisa Salem with her mobile recording buggy

Lisa Salem with her mobile recording buggy

7. All stories are the same

Feeling lost and alone in Los Angeles, Lisa Salem took an unusual approach in the city-where-no-one-walks. She attached a video camera to a baby buggy and invited people to come and walk with her while she videoed the conversation. “The talks quickly became intimate and personal, and I discovered that everyone tells the same story,” she said. “Everyone wants to be heard, to be seen, to be understood.”

8. Writing a novel is like riding a horse

Novelist Meg Rosoff solved a mystery while she was practising dressage. Why, she wondered, were so many of the novels she was asked to review so mediocre? Her theory – convincingly put – is that you need a good flow and mastery of the unconscious to write a novel. Just as a good dressage rider channels the power of the horse, a writer needs to use the deep, unconscious areas of the brain to create writing that resonates. “Write fiercely with resonance from a really deep place,” she advises.

9. It’s not easy to destroy a computer

Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, gave his insights into the Edward Snowden leaks of NSA material. In July 2013, GCHQ supervised the destruction of Guardian computers containing some of the leaked information. “It’s more difficult than you’d think to destroy a computer,” said Alan. “It’s not enough to wipe it clean, hit it with hammers or put superglue in the USB drives. We had to dismantle them, then use angle grinders and drills on the internal components.”

10. It’s never too late to travel with an ancestor

Gruff Rhys gets mystical following in his ancestor's footsteps

Gruff Rhys gets mystical following in his ancestor’s footsteps

Gruff Rhys, the Welsh singer and all-round good egg, told a fascinating story of his 2012 American Interior tour which retraced the steps of a long-dead ancestor, John Evans. Evans was quite a man: he left Wales in 1792, hung out with tribespeople, became Spanish and then French, and ended his days in New Orleans. Gruff was accompanied on the tour by a felt model of Evans, complete with period costume and a pioneering stare. Gruff completed his story by playing us a song about Evans, with around 29 key changes reflecting the many twists and turns of his ancestor’s adventures.

Thanks to the intrepid organisers of The Story for assembling such a brilliant mix of people and ideas. When can I book next year’s ticket?

Keith Hann: chilled opera buff

Keith Hann in his "Centre of Mediocrity"

Keith Hann in his “Centre of Mediocrity”

If you ever want an expert in opera, frozen foods and idiosyncratic PR, Keith Hann’s your man. He wrote The Bluffer’s Guide to Opera and is PR for Iceland Foods (you might have seen him in BBC  Two’s ‘Life in the Freezer Cabinet’).

The Bluffer's Guide to Opera

“What utter bollocks, do you fancy a pint?” A fair response to some productions, according to Keith Hann.

Keith describes himself as “the most honest man in PR” and has a notice tacked to his door at Iceland declaring his office the ‘Centre of Mediocrity’. His highly entertaining website flouts marketing’s positive thinking mantra at every turn. His company motto is ‘Like we care’, he has a page where he lists ‘Things we are really good at’ and ‘Things we can just about manage’, and he says that despite being based on a bleak Northumberland hilltop, staffed almost entirely by infants and Border terriers, his consultancy charges “popular* City of London prices”.

We’re having a bit of an opera moment at Chickentown Radio right now, so we invited Keith in the other week to hear some of his favourite moments from opera and to discover if his views on opera are as bracing as his approach to PR. Which they are, it turns out.

Two loathsome characters, one divine song

To start us off, Keith chooses ‘Pur ti miro’, the concluding duet from L’Incoronazione di Poppea by Monteverdi. “This is unquestionably one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written,” says Keith. “It was written in 1642 shortly after the birth of opera. Unlike most human activities, you can date the start of opera to 6 March 1637 when the first opera house opened in Venice.”

“It’s sung by two of the most loathsome characters, Nero and Poppea, but I think this is one of the highlights of the whole operatic canon.”

Matchless entertainment

Keith’s first experience of opera was at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle when he was just a lad. “Watching a 20 stone woman pretending to die of tuberculosis in La Traviata was one of the most moving and entertaining experiences I’ve ever had.”

And today? “I still think opera is the most supremely involving art form,” says Keith. “It can always take me out of myself. The technical expertise of being able to fill a theatre with a voice unamplified is utterly amazing. And if it all comes together with sets, costumes and orchestra, it’s a matchlessly wonderful form of entertainment.”

Skulduggery at the opera

Keith is a huge Handel fan. “I like all of Handel’s operas, and he wrote over 40 of them,” he says. “If I was going on Desert Island Discs, I could easily choose Handel operas for all eight pieces. This aria –  ‘Va tacito e nascosto’ from Giulio Cesare – is a particularly beautiful bit of music from one of his greatest operas.”

Here, Tolomeo, the King of Egypt, has subtly threatened Caesar, who responds by saying that the cunning hunter moves silently and steathily. He’ll be on guard against any skulduggery that Tolomeo has planned.

This aria was originally written for a castrato, like many of the principal parts in Handel’s operas. “But unfortunately there’s rather a shortage of those these days, so they tend to use counter tenors or mezzo sopranos instead,” explains Keith.

The misunderstood art form

We talk about the most common misconceptions about opera that tend to put people off. “People think it’s going to be dull, which it very rarely is, although it can be achieved if you work hard at it,” says Keith.  “People think it’s going to be expensive, which it often is, although it doesn’t have to be. You can go and see world class opera at Covent Garden for a few pounds if you don’t mind standing up. They also think it’s terribly high brow. I don’t think it is. It’s a perfectly accessible art form. There’s no reason why it should be any harder to enjoy than a rock concert. It’s one of the great human endeavours.”

Tip for the opera virgin? See Turandot

If you’re new to opera, Keith recommends Turandot by Puccini. “It’s packed with tunes. Over the years, I’ve taken several people who say they don’t like opera to see Turandot and at the end of the show I’ve asked them, ‘Do you still not like opera?’ and not one of them has failed to be won round by it.”

Here’s Pavarotti singing ‘Nessun dorma’, the most famous operatic tune of all. “Pavarotti had the acting ability of a brick lavatory,” says Keith, “but the most fantastic voice.”

Dark and stormy (no chatting at the back)

For his next choice, Keith leaps forward to the 20th century, with the ‘Storm’ interlude from Britten’s Peter Grimes. “I thought we should have something more modern, to demonstrate I don’t have a complete obsession with early opera,” says Keith.

“Peter Grimes is without doubt the greatest opera written in the 20th century. It’s wonderfully tuneful. There’s no singing in the sea interludes which has the annoying effect that people think it’s alright to talk through the bits where there’s nobody singing on stage. This is very much not the case. Although the fourth interlude is quite loud, being about storms, so they’d probably be drowned out anyway.”

The anti-spin doctor

As mentioned previously, Keith has a reputation for being generous with the truth. How has he managed to make a living in PR, given that positive spin usually goes with the territory?

“I’ve always believed in telling the truth,” he states, “so I’ve made a living out of the PR business for 30 years without ever telling an outright lie. But honesty is always the best policy. It does mean that at the age of almost 60 I’m down to one and a half clients. I’m wearing a shiny suit that doesn’t fit with a cardboard belt, but I’m just about scraping by.”

Rogered for all eternity

Pulling in that cardboard belt, Keith’s thoughts turn back to Handel and a track called ‘Endless pleasure’ from Semele. “There are a number of excellent tracks from Semele,” he says. “This aria is a particularly lovely piece of music where Semele – the mother of Dionysius – sings about the joys of being rogered for all eternity by Jupiter. It’s just beautiful.”

Best of British

Keith isn’t very fond of ‘abroad’, so he doesn’t profess any great knowledge of foreign opera houses. He admits: “I quite like Venice because Venice reminds me of England, with a bit of water. But other than that, I’m very very very insular.”

So his favourite opera venues are exclusively British. “Country house opera in England in June and July is terrific: Glyndebourne, Grange Park, Nevill Holt, Garsington. Personally I enjoy those the most.”

The best opera full stop

As for the best opera, Keith’s vote goes to The Marriage of Figaro by Mozart. “It’s just the perfect opera in the way that Jane Austen’s Emma is the perfect novel. It’s unbeatable. All of the Mozart operas are very accessible. The ones he wrote when he was 13 are possibly lower quality than the ones he wrote when he was a massive 25. But Cosi Fan Tutte, Don Giovanni and The Magic Flute are all fabulous nights out at the theatre.  I particularly like the Marriage of Figaro and could happily see it every month for the rest of my life. I like this quartet in Act 2 – ‘Signori, di fuori son gia i suonatori’.


Keith’s final choice is the Grand March from Verdi’s Aida. Verdi is another of Keith’s recommendations for newcomers to opera. As he says in his book: “Even the sort of people who think they hate opera will cheerfully hum along to the ‘Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves’ from Nabucco, ‘La Donna e mobile’ from Rigoletto, the ‘Drinking Song’ from La Traviata or the ‘Grand March’ from Aida.”

Thanks to Keith for sharing his top opera tips. Here’s what I now know, following our chat:

  • People who are intimidated by opera should try ‘Turandot’.
  • If you want to bluff your way in opera, bask in the brilliance of Handel.
  • Two equally valid responses to opera productions are: “It’s a brilliantly refreshing take on a staid old piece, don’t you think?” and “What utter bollocks. Do you fancy a pint?”

* Regarding those ‘popular City prices’, Keith adds: “Well, we like them.”

West meets East: Opera Holland Park comes to Old Street

Mike Volpe of Opera Holland Park

Mike Volpe of Opera Holland Park

Mike Volpe is a true opera aficionado. For nearly 25 years, he’s been General Manager of Opera Holland Park, enthusing a new generation of opera lovers with an eclectic mix of outdoor performances.

Although his family comes from the mountains outside Naples, Mike grew up in England. He drinks Italian espresso, but when Chelsea play Napoli at Stamford Bridge, he’s adamant that: “It’s Chelsea all the way.”

As part of a Chickentown Radio special, Mike came to BL-NK in Old Street last week to talk about some of his favourite music.

1. Mascagni: Hymn to the sun

Mike’s first choice is the introduction to Pietro Mascagni’s opera Iris. He explains why. “In 1997, a year after we began the company, we thought we’d try to mine a different part of the repertoire to others. This opera came to light and at the time it was a rarity. This piece is a hymn to the sun, and it’s just a glorious piece of music.”

Growing up in an Italian household, there was often opera playing in the background, or an uncle singing traditional Neapolitan songs. “I sang all the way through school, and my school provided kids for the chorus at Aldeburgh,” he says. “Later I listened to a lot of John Martyn and was also really into prog rock, and I think there’s something vaguely operatic about that.”

2. Kate Bush: the blackbird song

Talking of the crossover between rock and opera, Mike adds: “I’m a big fan of Kate Bush. James (Clutton, producer at OHP) and I have often said that she would probably compose a really good modern opera. We’ve just heard a chorus about the rising of the sun and this is about the setting of the sun. It’s Sunset from her album Ariel. It’s one of the most beautiful things she’s ever done and includes a line that could appear in an opera – ‘Who knows who wrote the song of summer that blackbirds sing at dusk’.”

3. Puccini: tattooed words of God

For his next piece, Mike chooses Le tue parole sono di Dio from La Fanciulla del West – which Opera Holland Park is putting on next summer. Mike loves this aria so much he’s had the words tattooed on his forearm.

Operatic ink: "Your words are as if from God"

Operatic ink: “Your words are as if from God”

The opera tells the story of Minnie, a saloon owner during the Gold Rush, who falls in love with a bandit. The miners in the camp take against him and are about to have him hanged. “La Fanciulla del West is probably my favourite Puccini opera,” says Mike, “and this is a crucial moment of redemption. Minnie rides in with a pistol, stops the miners from hanging her lover, and sings this gorgeous soliloquy. Sonora, one of the miners, lets forth this line – Your words are as if from God – and then Minnie and her bandit ride off into the sunset together.”

4. Strauss: a gorgeous lament

Mike’s clear about the best aspect of his job: “James and I both say it’s the applause. It’s that moment at the end of a show when you know it’s a success and there’s a thousand people roaring their approval. That and working with all these incredibly talented people.”

Of course, outdoor opera isn’t so much fun if it’s cold, but Mike reckons the upsides of his job far outweigh the downsides.

Mike’s not complaining, but his next choice is what he describes as a “gorgeous lament”, sung here by the great Jessye Norman. “Beim Schlafengehen is based on a Herman Hesse poem. It means ‘going to sleep’, and is one of Strauss’ four last songs, which are all about dying. You could say it’s a bit miserable, but it’s just a gorgeous way to lament the end of your life. Strauss could do some incredible things with a voice and an orchestra.”

5. Montemezzi: rollicking good fun

Mike describes how he came to choose his next piece, from L’Amore dei Tre Re by Italo Montemezzi. “The first piece we heard today was Iris, which was the start of our journey in rare opera. In 2007 we staged L’Amore dei Tre Re and it was a great success. It’s part of that school of late Italian composers who wanted to create their own new Italian language of opera. It’s just rollicking good fun. The soprano spends the whole of Act 3 dead on a slab, but she’s still part of the action because her father-in-law has spread poison on her lips in order to trap her lover. So we end up with three bodies on stage. This is the prelude to Act 3.”

Opera Holland Park: an intensely informal experience

L’Amore dei Tre Re fits the operatic stereotype of entertainingly over-the-top death scenes, but there are other stereotypes that are potentially more damaging for opera companies today. For example, opera is frequently perceived as expensive and elitist. Mike’s keen to argue that Opera Holland Park offers an entirely different experience. “Yes, opera is an elite art form in the same way that sport is elite. You want to be the best. But we’re entirely about popularising opera. We have thousands of tickets available at 12 or 15 quid, and about 1,700 free tickets for young and old. Opera Holland Park is intensely informal, and the critical thing to note is that most of the people who run the company are from very ordinary working class backgrounds. So if anyone demonstrates that all that elitist business is nonsense, it’s us.”

6. Lechner and Tsabropoulos: evoking atmosphere

Point made, Mike moves on to his next choice: Trois morceaux après des hymnes byzantins II by cellist Anja Lechner and pianist Vassilis Tsabropoulos. He explains: “I’m very much into atmosphere in music and love music that mixes genres. This pair evoke atmosphere beautifully – this piece is just gorgeous.”

7. Roberto Murolo: Neapolitan song

From a piece written ten years ago, Mike turns back to his childhood. As a boy, he was surrounded by renditions of Neapolitan songs, and his next choice is one of his mother’s favourites – Voce ‘e Notte – ‘the voice in the night’ by Roberto Murolo. “Part of the problem with Neapolitan songs is there’s some awful cheesy rubbish out there,” says Mike. “But there’s a stable of singers from the 40s and 50s who transcend those stereotypes. Roberto Murolo is a bit of a legend. He just sat there with a cheap guitar and played these gorgeous songs.”

“This song is about a man singing below a woman’s window, saying, ‘Don’t be alarmed, don’t look out, just remember our two voices together.’ It’s exquisitely sung and played, and is a perfect example of the veracity of Neapolitan music, which is a very potent and historic idiom. It evokes Italy and Naples and is really not that far off opera in its sentiments and the way it tells a story.”

Talking of Naples, I was keen to hear where Mike gets his Neapolitan coffee fix in London. “Mokarabia is a really nice coffee,” he says. “There’s a great little cafe opposite our sponsor Investec’s office in the city which sells it. One of those old places where cab drivers stop. So I go there when I’m in the City; Mokarabia is probably the best coffee around.”

Mokarabia coffee: a Neapolitan's choice

Mokarabia coffee: a Neapolitan’s choice

8. Film music: What Dreams May Come

Mike moves on to discuss the similarities between film music and opera. “Film is exactly like opera,” he says. “You have this melodrama and the music is used as an emotional rachet. I’m a big fan of film music and was very fortunate to meet composer Michael Kamen who wrote the music for the Band of Brothers tv series and Mr Holland’s Opus. This music comes from a 1998 film called What Dreams May Come, starring Robin Williams and Greta Scacchi. The premise is that heaven is what you want it to be. The music is very emotional and intense and Michael Kamen captures the sense of the film beautifully.”

9: Pat Metheny: Cinema Paradiso theme

Continuing in the film music vein, Mike’s next choice is an arrangement of the Cinema Paradiso theme by Pat Metheny and Charlie Haden. “Pat Metheny is a great hero of mine,” says Mike, “and this music is gorgeous. You don’t have to be Italian to appreciate Cinema Paradiso, but after spending so many summers in Italy, this music really conjures up that atmosphere for me.”

Alternative careers: actor, rugby player, fisherman, criminal

And what career would Mike have chosen if opera hadn’t got to him first? “There’s a question,” he laughs. “When I was 16 I was offered a very good opportunity to go to RADA. But I didn’t want to spend another three years studying. Maybe I could have been a rugby player. Apart from that, there’s a very good chance I’d have been a criminal. What I’d really like to do, though, is to run a fishing boat out of St John’s in Antigua taking tourists to catch tuna and barracuda.”

10. John Martyn: Couldn’t love you more

Mike’s final choice is John Martyn. “My oldest brother introduced me to John Martyn and I first went to one of his concerts aged 10 or 11. I just love him. He was an incredible songwriter and guitarist, and his Scottish sentimentality and the edge of violence that went along with it are an intoxicating mix.”

“This song, Couldn’t love you more, really sums him up. I don’t know how you could resist a phrase like ‘If you kiss the sun right out of the sky for me, I couldn’t love you more‘. I don’t think there’s any greater love song.”

Summer 2014 at Opera Holland Park

Looking ahead, there’s plenty to draw people to Opera Holland Park this summer. “We open with La Fanciulla del West,” says Mike. “It’s a challenging but wonderful opera to produce. We also have one of the great bel canto operas this year, Norma, which features the famous Casta Diva aria. We’re putting on Il Barbiere di Siviglia by Rossini and Adriana Lecouvreur by Cilea – a lovely romantic piece where the leading lady is killed by some violets laced with poison. And we’re doing our first Britten opera, The Turn of the Screw, which could work amazingly well in our space.”

“We’re also putting on Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland again, which we commissioned from Will Todd. We’re big believers in getting young kids to sit down and listen to opera performed by real musicians, and the demand for children’s concerts is consistently high.”

If you’d like to find out when tickets for this summer season are available, follow Opera Holland Park @operahollandpk. After all, where else will you be able to hear Casta Diva in the open air, see a Cheshire Cat sing or witness death-by-violets?

How not to pitch a film script

“Go on, pitch us a film!” That was the bold – and unusual – challenge from David Parfitt of Trademark Films to people from writers’ collective 26.

Wordstock festival run by 26

Writers pitched their film ideas at the Wordstock festival in London

Film production companies don’t normally hold X Factor style auditions for film ideas, and it’s rare for them to consider suggestions from people without heavyweight screenwriting credits. So the writers who made the shortlist knew just how lucky they were to get this opportunity.

Yesterday, seven brave souls stood up at a crowded Wordstock festival in Farringdon and gave it their best shot. Each had just five minutes to impress the producer who won an Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’.

The stories were intriguing. We had opera, anarchist spies, a man abandoning London for the North, a contortionist thief, an eighteenth century love story, a travelling corpse and a cure for cancer.

From David’s feedback, we learned a lot about what production companies don’t want to see in a pitch.

Don’t do this

  • Don’t pitch your idea without knowing the central drive behind the narrative. Identify the key strand that will lead the viewer through the story.
  • Don’t keep the reader guessing about the genre. If it’s ‘darkly humorous’, is it more funny than dark?
  • If your film’s based on a book, don’t just describe the plot. Show how you’d approach it as a film.
  • Don’t forget the audience. Who is this film aimed at?
  • Don’t have a host of central characters. Narrow it down.
  • Don’t be unrealistic about how much you can squeeze into 90 minutes. Should this be a series instead of a feature?
  • Don’t give your film a name that’s already been used.
  • Don’t ignore it if a film with a similar theme has recently bombed. Explain why your film will succeed where others have failed.
  • Don’t think in decades, think in weeks. A ‘ticking clock’ is good in film. Rather than covering a lifetime, identify a key moment and use that as the pivotal focus for your story.

Despite these caveats, David liked several of the ideas suggested by 26 members. So if you see a film called ‘The Travelling Corpse’ on at your local Odeon in a few years, blame Wordstock.

Horror stories at Shoreditch Town Hall

Spider's web pic D&AD

Spooky spider’s web projected on the ceiling of Shoreditch Town Hall

It was the day before Hallowe’en – a suitably sombre evening for a night of horror stories hosted by D&AD. Shoreditch Town Hall was packed with people keen to hear terrifying tales of screw ups from ad industry insiders.

Here are five things I learned.

1. “The key to brilliant work is to have no fear.” Laura Jordan Bambach, D&AD President.

2. The best way to pacify an angry bull when filming a butter commercial is to stroke its balls. For two full days. Jane Gershfield, Executive Producer of Great Guns production company.

3. Make sure your website builder doesn’t use unregistered software for your site for Nissan at the 02. After 30 days, your site will stop working. Matt Wade, Co-founder of Kin interactive design studio.

4. “If you’re not suffering sleepless nights, bouts of nausea and self-loathing, you won’t do your best work.” Alexandra Taylor, multi-award winning art director.

5. The trick is to be scared and confident at the same time. As Mike Tyson said, “Before the fight, I’m scared to death. The closer I get to the ring, the more confident I get. Once I’m in the ring, I’m a god.” Sam Ball, co-founder of creative agency Lean Mean Fighting Machine.

Thanks to D&AD for a scarily inspiring evening. The conclusion? If you’re not scared, you’re not doing it right. And the path to success is littered with screw ups, so you may as well (wo)man up and enjoy the journey.

Language: with extra chilli sauce

‘Arrange the langoustines on top in a wigwam fashion’. This instruction caught my attention when I was cooking dinner the other night.  I’ve never made a wigwam of langoustines before, but this was an admirably clear piece of stage direction. Of course, if the shellfish had been alive it might have been tricky. But as it was, the cooked langoustines perched together perfectly, holding claws on top of the risotto.


Roger Horberry: language wrangler

When I went to hear Roger Horberry give his ‘Pimp my Words’ talk at the Language Consultancy Association the following day, the langoustine wigwam matephor/simile* sprang to mind.

Soundbites from a Grand Sherpa

Roger says he’s an enthusiast rather than an expert on figures of speech, but frankly, that’s not true. As well as being a highly respected copywriter and prolific author, Roger is the Grand Sherpa of the Metaphor Mountain. The Purple Prince of Paradox. And quite possibly the High Priest of Hyperbole.

Here are a few soundbites from his talk:

  • Irony just is, whereas sarcasm usually has a purpose.”
  • Chiasmus adds instant profundity.” (Chiasmus uses mirroring e.g. ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.)
  • Paradox creates a mental double take. It makes you slam on the brakes.”

“Figures of speech are not widely appreciated or understood,” says Roger. “But they add spice and seasoning to our everyday words. They’re the chilli sauce of language.”

A thrilling journey from anadiplosis to zeugma

Roger took us on a whistle stop tour through figures of speech, from anadiplosis to zeugma (but not in that order). His talk was all about using language to create little jolts of verbal electricity to capture people’s attention.

Uncle Fester

Living in shame and the suburbs

We kicked off with zeugma, where a verb or adjective applies to two or more nouns. As when Uncle Fester from the Addams Family said: “I live in shame and the suburbs.”

Next up, anadiplosis – repeating the last word of a preceding clause to create a list. So we have Yoda saying: “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

The third example was tmesis, where you split a word or phrase apart and add an extra word for comic effect. For example, “abso-bloody-lutely”.

Entry level word play

According to Roger, some figures of speech are relatively easy for anyone to pick up. His entry level figures include metaphor, simile and alliteration.


Open happiness. Not literally, obviously.

“Metaphors and similes are word pictures that are tailor-made to create striking images in a reader’s mind and pack plenty of meaning into a minuscule space, making them useful if your word count is restricted,” says Roger.

A metaphor makes an implicit comparison between two unconnected items. Recently, journalist Caitlin Moran described Twitter as the Electric River, which created a wonderful image of people throwing tweets into the water and watching as other people’s thoughts flowed past.

In contrast, a simile makes an explicit comparison between two unconnected items, and is usually signalled with the words ‘as’ or ‘like’. The best simile I’ve come across recently is “as happy as a rat with a gold tooth”.

Flying Fish

Alliteration: don’t come a cropper with a carp

Alliteration is the repetition of the initial consonant, as in ‘Guinness is good for you’, ‘Beanz meanz Heinz’ or, my favourite, ‘Fend off Flying Fish’ – an Illinois campaign about protecting yourself from jumping Asian carp.

Taking an idea for a walk

Roger showed us a wonderfully written example of prosopopoeia, more commonly known as personification, which involves attributing actions and character to inanimate objects.

Three sisters

Personification: the Ellipsis Sisters aka Dot, Dot and Dot

In a series of ads for Penguin Books, punctuation marks come to life and become characters in short stories. The Three Ellipsis Sisters do everything together, but have a bad habit of leaving conversations hanging…

This reminded me of a brilliant story by my friend Sean Murphy. In The Tale of THE, a definite article decides to leave the safety of his own paragraph. His grandmother tells him he just needs to find a nice noun and settle down, but he ignores her and sets off to seek adventure outside the margins.

The power of two; the magic of three

Roger talked about so many figures of speech, it would be foolhardy to try to name them all. But let’s finish with parallelism, one of my personal favourites.

“Parallelism is the copywriter’s friend,” says Roger.  “It involves presenting two or more parts of a sentence in a similar way to give the whole a well-defined, regular form.”

The bicolon is also known as ‘the rule of two’. Copywriters have used this form to create lines such as ‘Everything you want, nothing you don’t’ for Nissan and ‘Takes a licking and keeps on ticking’ for Timex.

The tricolon, or ‘rule of three’, is a powerful tool for any copywriter. Words, phrases and sentences in sets of three are memorable because they have a satisfying rhythm and sense of completeness. They can also have a natural linguistic timeline, encompassing a beginning, a middle and an end. Think of Caesar’s famous phrase – ‘I came, I saw, I conquered’.

“With a little imagination you can use parallelism to present a complex group of ideas in a way that doesn’t read like a list,” says Roger.

If you’d like to know more, check out Roger’s recent two-minute summary of figures of speech. Meanwhile, I’ll get on with the successor to my langoustine wigwam: a potted shrimp simile.

*A ‘langoustine wigwam’ is a metaphor, because you’re saying that the wigwam is literally made of langoustines. In the recipe, though, it’s a simile, because it asks you to arrange the langoustines in a ‘wigwam fashion’ – ‘like a wigwam’.